McKinley M. Hellenes

Hey there Hal…I didn’t comment yesterday for two reasons. 1) The most important reason, actually—it is because the video didn’t load for me. I didn’t get to see it until the next day, which is today—so I watched it out of order, after the one about whether you and W. should have another baby. And 2) is that I often want to comment, but feel self conscious about commenting so much. Thinking you might need a break from the constant commentary from me. Ha. So there is that. That strange vulnerability of the voyeur making herself known to the subject. We prefer to lurk, sir!

That being said, I do want to further say that I really liked this vlog. It really was open and human and vulnerable. I really *felt* you in this one—I think these vlogs are good for you. They seem to be drawing you out. And I felt such sympathy for what you were saying, because the mere *thought* of doing what you are doing makes me feel anxious and claustrophobic. I think you are crazy and brave, my friend. A combination I really find compelling :^)I’m interested in what you said about finding being watched “exciting” as well as strange and claustrophic—that the world becomes small and closes in on you, and that you think some people would find a certain sense of safety in that. What is the excitement factor? People making witty comments and liking what you are doing—the sense of attention and having an audience? Did you feel any of the comfort you describe? Did you actually feel connected to anyone out there?

And I don’t think you were speaking in a monotone at all. Your voice is very expressive, and in this vlog it was emotive too, which is what I’m looking for. And the fact that no one commented, and you seemed to feel quite put out and insecure about that was interesting too. I don’t want to dissect you. I’m just letting you know that I think the ice is really breaking with these vlogs. There is so much less of a distance when you are speaking than when you are writing. I guess you can’t hide behind your own face. Good job, Hal. Oh, and perhaps because this felt like such a vulnerable, personal vlog, your viewers felt awkward about postig a comment. That happens, I think. It doesn’t mean people didn’t like it. It just means people are shy, even on the Internet :^}

McKinley M. Hellenes

How about a vlog? Then I can feel like we’re having a face to face conversation…minus my face, of course. Ha. And I am really enjoying your vlogs. That is not to say that I don’t enjoy your blog, of course. I’m glad you enjoy my comments. It’s funny, the insecurities that pop up in the whole voyeur/voyeuree relationship. It seems to me that what it boils down to is that both parties desire acknowledgement, you know? When you posted such a personal vlog yesterday and no one replied, or if a person comments and there is no response from you—it causes insecurities to bloom, and people feel awkward and exposed. It’s interesting. The desire to be validated on both sides.

I’m nervous about the live broadcast tomorrow on your behalf—what will it be like to see someone you kind of know broadcasted to the world from his own living space? You must be pretty nervy right now. Just remember, we’re all routing for you. You have a support group you can’t see or feel, but is nonetheless there. All the lurkers and trolls are watching, yes, but lots of your friends too. We care, Hal. Just remember that if you feel scared. Hold our digital hands.

I’m just going to go over and comment on today’s vlog as well, while I’m at it.

See you tomorrow, H.

xM.

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